I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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