I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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