So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
