My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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