Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I queefed so loud it echoed.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
