Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
