So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
