I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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