I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
