why didn't you poke me back
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
