it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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