True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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