the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
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I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
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Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
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