i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
