Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
