I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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