I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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