he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
