I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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