I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
