I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
