this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
