ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
