In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
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I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
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Woke up backwards on a recliner
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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