This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My cat gives me a boner
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
