I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
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He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
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I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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