if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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