I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
