you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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