She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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