I must be too annoying 4 u.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
