just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
