the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I need to sanitize my soul.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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