everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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