I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
