Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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