i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
