erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
