My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
