is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
