I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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