After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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