After last night, I could never be a politician.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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