ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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