I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
