think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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