I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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