went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
it's like iHOP with fire
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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