grandma shit on top of the toilet
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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