Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
