I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
