I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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