i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
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When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
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Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
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