i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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