So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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