Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
