3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
