im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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