you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
