why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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