Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
