Can i not drive my cunt home
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
