i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just pee around me
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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